so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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