My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
