I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
