I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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