I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
