Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
