I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
