just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
