dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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