I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
