Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
