I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
