and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I am full of burrito and curiosity
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
