matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
