Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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