hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
