omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize