I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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