Got a toothbrush?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize