Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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