9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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