Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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