Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
