I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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