ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
