You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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