True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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