I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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