My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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