He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
