And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
