Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
