my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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