i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
