Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And then the night went full on bisexual.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
