I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
