Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize