No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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