Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
