Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize