I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Girls should come with a carfax report
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
