If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
