Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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