Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
