I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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