shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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