Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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