You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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