The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
