The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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