Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
