but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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