The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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