Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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