Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
