I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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