Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
