I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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