I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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