YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
