It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
