The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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